Endless Pause…

It’s been quite a while since I last visited my blog.

Dear God! Where will I start the explaining?

I was hospitalized Aug 1 - 5. And after 3 days at home, I was admitted again and stayed in the hospital, this time quite longer, from Aug 9-15.

It was really a roller coaster of an experience for me, but not of a thrilling and entertaining kind.

I experienced strong bleeding and was diagnosed as threatened abortion that’s why I need to stay in the hospital with all the IV running through my veins.  Sitting and standing to go to the rest room is not an option for my bleeding cervix easily aggravated by the the most minute of movements.

My husband is there crowding my cellphone’s message inbox. My mom became an instant caregiver. My friends also visited.  Such blessings.

And as for my tiny uterus tenant of 11 weeks, yes, he/she is fine. That is perhaps my greatest and sweetest consolation.

Several nights at the hospital did I ponder what is really happening. Now released from the hospital, still I am pondering  the fact that I am not allowed to walk or stand or even sit for long hours.

Matigas lang ang mukha ko na umuupo ako para humarap sa laptop.

Feeling somewhat like a prisoner of my own room, I thought, is this what I signed up for?

Frankly, I feel miserable.  And hopeful. And anxious. And thankful.

This inexplicable cocktail of feelings is perhaps caused by the storm of hormones raging in me. And perhaps, one of the side effects of continuous intake of dydrogesterone tablets.

Friends, readers… this primigravida needs all the moral support she can get. Thanks.

A Lesson on Life and Death

Last week, I saw the beating heart of my 6-week old child. At that age, he/she is still an embryo living in his/her own little world in the gestational sac inside me. At the left is the actual ultrasound photo 

The tiny embryo appears translucent in the dark background of the ultrasound monitor with its tiny heart thumping quickly.  No words could ever describe the sight. I looked at the monitor for several seconds trying to embed the image in my memory- the image of my child’s first signs of life. An image I would want to hold dear for my husband who missed seeing this because he is working abroad. An image that glorifies God who is the Creator of all Life.

Last week also, news broke out in school that a student of mine committed suicide. My student was 18 years old, good-looking actually, and quite timid in class. I often spot him sleeping during our 7-8am class. But I never called his name for I never embarrass students.  I remember one time after an early morning lecture, I approached him and asked him why he often dozes off.  He simply smiled, I guess embarrassed now, and apologized because he slept late.

Perhaps that was the only interaction I had with him that semester.  Two semesters later, he decided to take a gun and shoot it at his head.  His classmates relayed to me a sad story of family pressure and quarrels with his girlfriend. Perhaps, he got tired of it all, they said.  The day I learned the news, my chest felt heavy the entire day thinking why? Why? Why?!  Would it have changed anything if I were able to interact with him more? Talked to him more?  Have I and the other professors failed to be as second parents?

Now a realization about life and death hit me…

Do we have a right to kill ourselves?  Do we own our lives that we can take it?

My answer is NO.

We absolutely have no right to kill ourselves because our first heartbeat is not even from our own will. Our life came from the Creator and He has the sole authority to take it.

Being a primigravida, I now have a deeper understanding and appreciation of life.  Life is such a gift. A miracle indeed.  Why waste it away?  Life is not our choice, but living it to the fullest is.

My prayers and condolences to the bereaved family.

May eternal light and peace be with you, David.

You are finally home. Amen.

Primigravida

pri·mi·grav·i·da (prm-grv-d)

n.

A woman in her first pregnancy.

I just learned last week I am pregnant.

I am now on my 6th week. Confetti! Confetti!!!

It was a total surprise because I thought I had my period last week. But no siree… the doctor said it was already bleeding.

So this whole week what did I do?

I slept.

And slept.

And slept.

And yah, did I mention I slept?

I  just followed the doctor’s advise of a 1 week bedrest. This afternoon will be my 2nd checkup. Gahd! When I see her bed at the clinic with that stand where you have to rest your feet while you are lying down gives me shivers.

Let us pray that everything is now normal, dba mahal?

Rainshine

The raindrops glistened

In the rays of the sun.

Gray clouds roll

In the turquoise sky.

The sun’s glow trickled with the drizzle

Sun and rain

Danced in the afternoon.

.

 My departing

From the warmth of your bed

To walk back on that puddled road

Makes rainbows

Form bands of black and gray.

.

My heart

Empty as that suitcase,

Gaped open like my palm

Yearning for your hand.

.

Torn between staying and leaving

My soul is like being drenched in the raining sunshine.

Parched in the downpour

But beaming in the overcast.

.

Under the disconcerted skies,

Let me feel the moist of sunrays

In your every kiss

And shower me the luminance of raindrops

Gleaming from your eyes.

.

Promise me

To clear the skies upon my return.

For my soul is weary of being soaked

Of its indiscretion.

At our flat. 5 Jul 2008. 11:15am.

Top 3 Things I learned from Disneyland…

I went back to HK to fix some important papers. And each time I fly back here, there is a special feeling I am going home.

Me, my hubby, and our friend went to Disneyland last 29th of June. I stayed in HK this past summer, but Disneyland was never a part of my itinerary because of a tight budget.

If it weren’t for our friend whose childhood dream perhaps was to go to Disneyland, we would not be deciding to spend 350 HKD (PhP 1946) (!!!!?!) a ticket to that darn place. Oh well, with a bite on the lip we just found ourselves buying the tickets and entering the land where they say, dreams are made of.

Upon entering that magical (still darn expensive) place and exploring the different themed areas, I had 3 cathartic experiences…

1. Being a kid is such a good feeling. - A feeling without the guilt. Indeed, it is a magical place where you can leave adult concerns behind. Who would not feel like a kid seeing Mickey Mouse and Cinderella prancing around the corner. You become part of their magical world once you had your pictures with them (Primary photo material sa friendster! Bwahahaha!) So nice being a kid and not a care in the world. Where the only reality are fairy tales. Everyone you meet is as kind and pleasant as Sleeping Beauty and Donald Duck. Where stories have happy endings and good guys always win. Disney cartoon has always been part of my childhood and captured my imagination (Well, who aint! ).

2. Rain is not a deterrent. - It rained hard for around 30 min that morning when we arrived. But people still pressed on with or without an umbrella. Some had bought raincoats, of course with the Disney logo on them. We brought our own umbrellas and were thankful that the rain stopped eventually. Gahd! I did not spend 350 HKD just to be drenched and stare at the castle all day.

3. Fantasy comes with a price - I was hesitant going there at first. But after exploring and watching the fireworks transform Sleeping Beauty’s castle into something like a Buena Vista logo, I can say the ticket was well spent indeed. The feeling was so magical with choreographed pyrotechnics at the background of the castle. “Unbelievable sights… indescribable feeling….”, aptly describe the fireworks show. Indeed, Disneyland transports you to a place of fantasy come to life.

Each attraction is so tourist friendly, complete with railings that organizes long lines and posted announcements as to the schedule of the activity. In comparison with a theme park in the Philippines (Hmmm… I think I need not to mention what it is. It is just somewhere in Laguna. Haha!), where you will spend half your day just to wait for your turn for a ride or a 3D show. Wait! Is it really a 3D show or is just the chair shaking until you puke.

It was a weekend that reawakened the kid in me.

OK.. so I admit…. I loved the darn place.

And I don’t feel so bad about the ticket price anymore.